**”The Art of the Day Trade”**
One sunny Tuesday morning, Donald J. Trump decided he’d conquered enough — real estate, reality TV, the presidency — and it was time for the next frontier: **day trading**.
“I understand markets better than anyone,” he told himself in the mirror, adjusting a red tie longer than the Nasdaq ticker.
Armed with a triple espresso and a Twitter account still mysteriously active, he downloaded a trading app called “Stonks4U.” He liked it because the logo was a bald eagle holding a dollar sign.
His first move? Buy 10,000 shares of **ToasterCoin**, a cryptocurrency that claimed to revolutionize breakfast. “Huge potential. Best toast tech. Everyone’s talking about it,” he said, ignoring the whitepaper, which was mostly just a recipe for French toast and a picture of Elon Musk in a chef hat.
At 9:45 AM, he saw a Reddit post titled “SELL TOASTERCOIN BEFORE IT BURNS.” He panicked.
“Fake news!” he shouted at the screen. “We’re HOLDING. I invented holding. It’s called ‘diamond hands’, look it up.”
By 10:15 AM, he’d also bought shares in something called **Quantum Ferret Technologies**, mistaking it for a defense contractor. It was, in fact, a Twitch streamer who reviews cheese.
His portfolio plummeted faster than a lead balloon in a black hole. “It’s all rigged,” he proclaimed, pacing the room. “This is worse than the Emmy voters in 2004!”
Then, at exactly 3:59 PM, one of his holdings — a little-known stock called “Covfefe Energy” — mysteriously surged 900% after he accidentally tweeted “$CVFE to the moon” instead of “coffee.”
The stock soared. Reddit exploded. Financial reporters were baffled. Trump leaned back in his chair, sipping Diet Coke like a seasoned market guru.
“I call that a **strategic typo**,” he smirked.
By 4:01 PM, he was banned from three trading platforms, but up $12 million.
“Best trader. Everybody says so,” he whispered proudly, already eyeing up Dogecoin again.
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